Goodness, Anger, and Hope

I took today off to get some rest.  I felt horrid yesterday.  Thankfully I feel like I’m coming to grasp something mentally with more clarity.  The emotions will likely continue to sway, but I think this will help.  I think it will give me some answer as to why I’m between this rock and a hard place.

I do seriously keep asking God, WHY?  Why was I so much better, only to fall down again? Why did YOU have to let me get bitten again, and let me get sick again…  I was trying so HARD!  It doesn’t do much good to be angry at God, but sometimes that’s  just where you are.  That doesn’t make it right, but it does make it worse to not admit the reality of it.

God is asking me to really trust him.  He is telling me that I need to be absolutely willing to go through ANYTHING and still glorify Him, not myself.  But where does the rubber meet the road?  It’s in God’s goodness.

Last night, I read every word that Google Books would allow of C.S. Lewis’ “The Problem of Pain.”  I want to read the book in its entirety.  I may be remembering wrongly but the truth I got out of “reading” C.S. Lewis book is that we keep judging God…this is the wrong way around.  What we call good as human beings obviously differs from what God calls good.  We consider our idea of good as being better than God’s idea of good.  This is the the fall, which was the first time man ever considered his idea of goodness as higher than God’s.  This is the cause of all pain, physical and mental.  But by not judging God, rather going with what He provides in our life, our idea of good will slowly become what is God’s, ultimate and factual, idea of good!

God wants me to be willing, if necessary, to lose my life to this.  He wants me to lean on Him completely.  He wants me to say “Yes, God, I’ll find ways to glorify You even if I don’t have the energy to do anything in my life that the world will recognize as contributive.”  He wants me to be willing to live out my days in submission to Him even if I NEVER feel good enough to get what the world calls “a life.”

No, I’m not losing hope here.  In fact, this is the REGAINING of HOPE.  It’s merely acceptance of God’s providence and letting go of my anger at Him.  And not beating myself up about the fact that I was was angry at Him!  …Just let go of it.  Give it to Christ to handle.

“Letting go” is typically a big Lyme issue!  I’m not saying this is necessarily true in your case, but I’m being convicted that it is true for me.  I think the symptoms have come to tell us what we need to learn.  I didn’t even know I had these issues until I had these symptoms.

Being too rigid and stubborn – You can just see what this does to your joints, and being “stiff-necked!”  Grasping onto something that only God has the strength to control – No wonder our muscles fire off, spasm, twitch and ache!  We’re playing a tug of war with God about our life, and refusing to let go… Then we’re screaming that we’re not being supported – This will make our “bones rot” to use King David’s language.  Our anger makes it so that we can’t sleep and can’t enjoy a meal, which means we won’t get the physical benefit of either.  We scream so hard in our hearts that we can’t think and it makes our heads pound so hard.

We keep thinking God is some ogre who won’t give us the thing we’re grasping at and tugging on so hard…  We keep judging Him and wrongly accusing Him of not being good to us.  What we fail to see is that we’re grasping at the very bottle of medicine He is trying to give us.  We’re also failing to see that He’s the only one with the wisdom to administer it curatively.  If I can learn my lesson, I might not have to go through years of this.  But it’s a day-by-day thing, something I have to do every single day.  I have to get up every day and say, “God, give me what I need.” rather than trying to snatch it from Him.  It just doesn’t work that way, and He is being GOOD to us not to let us just have the whole bottle!

I also listened to a sermon today.  It was on faith…and how Abraham steadily had faith in God that He would give him a son, and through that son the human race will be saved, and Abraham would be that father of more peoples than there are stars in the sky and sands on the seashore.  In faith, Abraham trusted God completely  He was not angry at God when he was 90 years old, has a baren and now old wife, and didn’t yet have a son.  Abraham had faith in God and His promise, Scripture says.  Abraham had to be trusting in God’s goodness.  The Scripture also says that Abraham considered his reality, stared it in the face, and it looked HOPELESS, but his faith did NOT waiver.  That’s a faith that only God gives.

Abraham wasn’t perfect, he tried to get God’s promise in a way that didn’t work,following his wife’s advice…and Ishmael was born through Hagar, but the promise was not to be attained that way, and God had said so.  This resulted in pain and misery for generations, even to this day.  God gave the promise in Isaac’s birth, through Sarah…and it was in God’s perfect timing, which was not at all in the timing that Abraham naturally would have considered perfect until he finally received God’s promise.  So I have faith in God that He will make me better, even if He wants me to go through a lot, and for a long time, to get there.

To God, it is all GOOD, so to me, it also is GOOD.  The tides of emotion are strong.  I have to let go of the anger, which is rooted in fear, which is rooted in unbelief…this is the process.  May my faith not waiver.  May God give me the faith of Abraham: to trust in God’s goodness and perfect timing.


1 Comment

  1. Donna said,

    February 5, 2011 at 6:18 am

    I like your post… it reminds me of the Buddhist concept of “groundlessness” and our resistance to it. Letting go of anger is key, and it’s something that I am finally learning to do – it takes a constant awareness; a constant effort sometimes. I’m happy for you that you have found a way to do this – to let go of anger – to not only accept, but embrace your circumstances (at least some of the time, as we all probably move in and out of that once we get there). What a wonderful, juicy post! :O) Chuck full of richness!

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