Muddy River

I look out the window, it’s just getting dark.  The river was sparkling so much earlier….but it was a mucky dirty shade from all the rain that fell last night.  The current is flowing quickly.  Nobody was on the river today to have fun.  Just coal boats going up and down the river–business as usual for them.  Kind of reminds me of what’s going on in my body right now.  I’ll back up to yesterday.

I woke up with a migraine headache yesterday.  It was pretty mild and manageable.  Jane came in as I was fixing Marie’s breakfast.  I could smell the Lysol she was using upstairs.  It felt like an assault on my strength, it made my head throb.  MCS is bad again today.  I felt as if I hadn’t gotten any sleep whatsoever.  My joints ached, I was still cramping, my neck was stiff, my wrists were tight, and I felt like my brain was too big for my skull.  Marie enjoys her breakfast.  I manage to speak cheerfully and keep things rolling.  Marie really liked the coffee, that made me happy.  Jane asks me if I want my sheets washed, so I say yes and remind her not to use the Lysol in my room.  She’s good about that 🙂 .  She is really such a great lady.  We also plan to go out to lunch at about 1, as this would be a nice thing for Marie.  I’m sooo exhausted, but refuse to let it be known how I feel, thinking this is just the morning and it will pass.

After cleaning up breakfast, about 11:30, I go out on the front porch, lay down on the swing and slowly drift off to sleep.  It was still sunny out…but on the shaded porch with the breeze, and the swing rocking, I felt fine.  Next thing I know, Jane is waking me up to say it’s 1:30 and everybody is ready to go to lunch.  Clouds had rolled in, the breeze was moister and almost chilly.  I get up and we go to lunch.

I was craving steak on Monday, and I wanted steak for dinner–I already had it thawing.   At the restaurant we order our food.  The music was SOOO loud it was painful, even Marie didn’t like how loud it was.  Maybe hearing aids pick up speaker noises painfully, idk.  We asked the waitress if she could turn it down…instead she sympathized and said she has had a headache since coming to work likely because the music is too loud.  I guess there wasn’t anything she could do.  Meatloaf is really the most wholesome thing on the menu, so I order that.  It tasted ok.  I was so hungry it was crazy.  There is a downpour of rain outside while we eat.  By the time we are done the rain has stopped, but it looks like another storm is coming.  We get in the car and drive the short bit home, by which time it is another downpour.

The rain was really pretty as we sat in the car waiting for it to calm down enough for us not to get drenched.  I get the keys and go in the house as soon as the rain lightened up.  Marie and Jane stayed in the car…idk why.  The house felt freezing cold to me, and my stomach felt sour.  Just the lightening up of the sky was too bright for me.  Marie and Jane come in when the rain is even lighter.  Jane leaves for home and Marie wants to sit down and have ice cream for dessert.  I was craving my special ice cream too–hoping maybe it would quell my growing churning stomach.  Maybe there was something in that meatloaf I couldn’t handle–maybe something GMO.  I did feel thoroughly pesticided, at least–as if I’d eaten a salad from Bluefield College.

I serve her ice cream with chocolate and the white oreos.  I debate whether or not I should eat some of my “safe” coconut milk based Green Tea ice cream.  I do really want it…but I’m soo cold.  I let Marie eat her ice cream all by herself, and I snuggle up on the sofa with the last 1/4 cup or so of my ice cream.  I eat it out of the container like Dawn said is SOO good.  Dang, was she ever right!  I felt horrible, but eating that ice cream, curled up in a warm blanket on the couch in a dark room… it was absolute ahh.  The flavors seemed to explode in my mouth, I could taste the green tea, the chicory, the coconut and the carob.  I could taste them separately; I could taste them as if they danced together.  For that moment in the day, my headache and nausea were nonexistent.  Thank you Dawn 🙂 .

About thirty minutes later I begin to feel like I did soon after eating.  I guess the ice cream didn’t work (duh, LOL) BUT I do think it was totally worth it, because it was a bright spot in my day.  I remember just walking through the house kind of dazed and getting on my computer–the light from my computer screen made my head roar.  Then I get a phone call.  It’s from Heather!  I try to sound “well” but she knows me way too well, and I immediately tell her what’s going on and she tells me what’s up with her.  I love you Heather, and am SOOOO thankful you called me and talked to me for so long.  I went up to my room, the darkest room in the house,and laid on my bed to talk.

Once we were done talking, I get up to try to do something with Marie, as she will think I abandoned her.  On going down the stairs my stomach is worse than it’s felt all day and I just have to fess up to Marie that I feel horrible, as I go to the cabinet to find a bucket to puke in.  Marie is understanding–but this makes the third day she’s seen me more unable to function than her.  She’s beginning to ask me concernedly, “You shouldn’t be so sick, you’re too young!”  I just tell her it’s the Lyme, and this is how things go sometimes.

I don’t know how I’m going to fix dinner.  And the neighbor was planning to come over today and spend a little while visiting.  I get my nerve up and actually call the neighbor lady and let her know I’m sick but not contagious, and just ask her to come on over when she feels like it.  She says that she’s glad to, even if I won’t be much of a hostess.  I didn’t want Marie to be alone while I was off in my room anymore.  I sit in the living room, checking FB with a big yellow bowl in my lap while my nausea is so bad I just wish I’d puke and get it over with.  Marie is in there too…thankfully able to enjoy her word search and not all up in knots about me.

The neighbor lady rings the doorbell, the “dixie” tune.  I basically just thanked her for coming, did the normal greetings, apologized for feeling bad and went to my room.  As I lay there in the respite of my dark and cozy room, I could tell that she and Marie were enjoying getting to talk and catch up.  I was glad Marie had company, and that the neighbor was able to be herself.  I lay there with my head pounding and stomach in an uproar for I don’t know how long.  It felt like an eternity.  Next thing I knew I was just laying there, between sleep and consciousness.  I knew I had slept dreamlessly…and as long as I lay still on my belly, I was pain and nausea free.  I drifted in and out of sleep until I heard Marie and the neighbor lady talking, when I figured that maybe I would be okay to get up if I was careful.

I walked downstairs slowly so as not to jar my body. I was holding the rail unlike my normal self, with the yellow bucket in my other hand.  I still had a little of the migraine and nausea as I sat down beside the neighbor lady and thanked her for giving me the chance to rest.  We talked together for about thirty more minutes.  The severity of the migraine comes back bit by bit as I have to interact with the world around me.  When the lady left, Marie wanted to play dominoes.  I wanted to too but just the memory from yesterday of the dominoes clanging together as they shuffled made me cringe in pain.  I couldn’t.  Telling her that I couldn’t play hurt just as bad.  I don’t remember what happened immediately…I think we talked for a bit and then I went to the sofa to rest a bit more.

I hear the sound of something sizzling in the kitchen, and I get up quickly.  My head pounds again, but I don’t want Marie to have to cook all by herself.  I help get peas cooking as she finished sprinkling the steak with flour.  The steak is done and the peas are just getting thawed.  LOL. Oh well.  Marie wants to take care of me at this point, and I know I couldn’t eat that lovely steak I had been craving until the nausea came on.  I promise her I will eat the steak tomorrow–cause I do really want it, and she fixes a lovely tender steak.  I had Mango Kombucha for “dinner” instead, and I could tell it really was something I needed.  By the time we had eaten dinner it was almost 10 at night, and both Marie and I were tired, and went to bed at 11.  Marie ended up cleaning up the kitchen.

I went to bed…took 2mg of melatonin so I could hopefully trade my pain for sleep more more quickly.  But my mind is going.  Two Lyme friends, close and very energy-aware friends, had told me since I began into my lyme-cycle last Thursday, very certainly that I do have coinfection Bartonella.  I really was wanting to make sure I didn’t…hoping not.  But they were both pretty sure.  I also remember from going to the lecture by an LLMD in NC, that Bart is most prevalent in NC–the vet schools in NC are leading the research in Bart worldwide due to its prevalence in my state.  No, I do not have a dx from my LLMD on this…and I’ll happily eat crow that I DON’T.  I really don’t want to have to face up to another co-infection.  But last night, I got out my pencil, and Buhner’s and Singleton’s books on Lyme.  It was hard to read with my brain hurting so bad, so I covered up my dimmest lamp with 2 layers of a paper bag brown shirt, rolled over on my belly which made the nausea go down (why?) and I went through the details on the co-infections….checking off the ones I have for Bartonella.  In both books, I have all the symptoms listed except for 3 or 4.  And considering that Singleton dedicated 2 full pages to a bullet-point list, that’s pretty amazing to me.  As I read last night I feel like I settled with the idea that I’ve got that too–and am I ever gonna whip it’s behind!

I paid hard for reading, as I rolled over to try to sleep I felt like I got shot in the head.  My head already felt so bad…  I knew I couldn’t sleep like that and wanted my computer for distraction.  I got my computer…the light hurt so bad that I just updated my FB status and set the camera up to film myself trying to sleep.  Then a stupid bat figured that my bedroom was the twilight zone and started flapping around in there.  I was in such pain that my nerves were shot.  I was startled and swatted at the bat as it flew near me, then sudden fright took over.  I knew I had no reason to be scared…but there I was huddled in the corner, crying now.  It was insane…talk about feeling body-snatched.  I didn’t want to be afraid of a bat…I’ve never been afraid of them before so why now???  I finally crawled back into my bed, having talked myself out of that crazy out-of-nowhere irrational fear of the crazy bat.  I laid on my bed just wanting it to fly over the rafter into the next room, as it was making laps around my room.  Finally it did, and that was the last of it I have seen.  Who knows, I may have another adventure tonight? But I am strong enough now not to have a panic attack from it.  I hurt so bad laying there wanting to go to sleep.  I was sleepy, but the melatonin hadn’t seemed to dull my pain or get me in a sleepy enough state to ignore my pain.  Eventually I fell asleep…my computer still videoing.  I rolled over sometime and turned it off and then went back to sleep in a few minutes.

I woke up today feeling much better.  The headache was gone, my joints and body didn’t hurt as bad.  Stomach was still a little queezy, and my liver and spleen seemed to be a bit too busy and painful.  I could handle the TV up loud for “The Price is Right”, though it did hurt a little bit.  The pain and overstimulated zoneout that I had went away within 15 minutes of turning it off.  I was able to fix today’s meals, but Marie jumped in to do the cleanup.  All I did was wipe the table.  Then I ate my breakfast when my appetite suddenly drowned out the remaining faint nausea–just a rice crisp with the rest of my mango kombucha.  We sat on the porch for a bit.  I took a walk and swung on the swingset for several minutes, which really got my blood flowing.  I was delighted that I felt good enough to do that.  And I felt more alert and energetic after that.

Some friends came over and played two games of dominoes with us.  I could tell my brain didn’t have the logic together to play the game very well.  Making a decision for the best tile was hard, and I chose wrongly more often than usual.  I just noted it…and enjoyed the game.  Marie then wanted something to eat.  We fixed up tomato soup with grilled cheese for her.  I heated up last night’s steak and peas and ate that.  Once I finished that…I wanted toast, and I MT’d strong to it so I went for it!  LOL, my appetite is back, hooray!  Marie wanted us to watch a movie.  The volume and flashing of the TV basically zoned me out for the evening…still VERY sensitive to overstimulation.  Since then I’ve had a VERY mild version of the same migraine I had yesterday. I tried to play Scrabble with my friends on FB, but it was more difficult than fun as the letters weren’t magically becoming words on the board like normal.  I don’t think I could complete even a level 2 Sudoku as well as I normally complete the level 4 ones.

I think my brain still has some toxins needing to flush out. I’ve been drinking water, but I think sleep will be the important thing for me…and exercise in the day.  I felt that the swinging was important for me today.  A friend asked me if I think this was a strong herx or if it was a flair.  Considering I’ve felt 80% of my usual post-relapse self today, and I have been basically in 3 very different states of debility the past 3 days…and just plain icky the 2-3 days before….the stark contrast does make me think strongly that I did herx on my Lyme[/Bart] Cycle.  Certainly If I do have Bart–these past few days are there to prove it–and even prove that I am already able to kil enough off to herx.  So that’s a good thing.  I think if it was a herx, I should feel really good tomorrow.  If I don’t feel better tomorrow…I may begin to wonder.

So what has this got to do with a muddy river?  That rainy drenching day….stirred up all the muck in the river.  It was a rainy drenchy day inside my body too, and my river is still very muddy today with toxins.  Then in a few days the river will clear up and it will shimmer.  Maybe it will take a few days for the mud to clear out of my river.  I’m helping it along the best that I can.  And when the river is clear again…people will come back out on it to play and enjoy it.  When my river is cleared up, I’ll feel up to doing more things, instead of merely working to keep my barges of coal going down the river.  🙂

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